I just need to start writing. No more thinking.. No more trying to figure out where to start and just start here.
I've heard the best way to write is to "just write" and so that is exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not even trying to write so that part should be easy for me. No pressure! I mean, other than the normal pressure of making sure I grab the right word, or the the meaning I convey matches what I'm thinking. I've mostly gotten over the pseudobulbar affect which is basically a type of aphasias, but where you experience and convey the wrong emotions. At the worst I would beal hurrying out a grocery store with the biggest grin on my face just laughing maniacally, all the while wanting to just scream and cry. But that is all past me now.. mostly. I still have some deficits to work through, but for the most part I am, for a lack of a better word, healed. And to think, it all started with a message from an unlikely but familiar form.
You can read the full story <<insert link 1.1>>, but due to a hilarious but terrifying "shortcut" I "knew" on a heavy mushroom trip with some friends at a phosphate pit behind my grandparent's house (sorry Grandpa 😔), I ended up with one and only phobia I ever carried. Yet now here I sit, my nice quiet neighborhood, double checking all my documents and class papers.. all because of an incredibly simple message, one I unfortunately took twice to learn.
The lesson was learned though. At least I think so.. only time will really tell but I can already tell I'm in a much better place since the shooting, and that was maybe a month ago? Lets see.. ex felon meth head with a gun goes away for a very long time, and I get a message from my Lord setting me on a blazing path that somehow went from "ok, Im believing this, stuff is working" to "Chaplain! I'm going to help people, but I'm not going to change mud beliefs. Philosophy seems perfect for me, with an eventual minor in anthropology of the near east (whatever a minor means)
I've decided I need to be not huffing and puffing around campus, so I've been biking and swimming nearly every day. I'm dieting swapping my normal breakfast for a small bowl of yogurt and fruit after my morning bike. Skip lunch and smaller dinner, usually just some meat and veggies. Oh, and I quit drinking. Well, quits a strong word, but for now at least I'm not having any. I've got to focus on school and alcohol has too much of a recovery period. Wont be a problem.. lets just say I'm not slacking on a pact again... and if this is where I am after a few months, just imagine a few years!
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